Dear Gowri
Yes....it is indeed quite some time I touched the pen (I am sorry the key board) to post my musings and with a lot of pride, humility and also relief I am touching the key board at the Brahma Muhoorath of today....which I hope will continue incessantly its second innings without any further hiccups....
Getting started on Nov 18th 2007, these series have done an extra ordinary service to me as a person....by patiently holding all my jubilations & frustrations and serve as a powerful ventillation possibility multiple times more effective than the hard copy diary that I used to scribble upon in earlier days. Before starting to write down today's musings, I opened all the three series and was amazed to see the total count of postings made...tirelessly....(think it is a wrong negative word though I prefer not to change it as....a total amount of 60 postings accounting to 124 pages of verbalization of thoughts and emotions is bit too much for some one who attends office for 50 hours per week !!
Glimpse of my latest postings before this one.....
Aug 23, 2008Making of Managers - 19 ::: Getting relieved with heavy heart but light mind !!!
Aug 23, 2008Moment of Bliss - 21 ::: Some thing too subtle.....!!
Aug 2, 2008 Transcendance – 20 "All in One".......
So, what happened between Aug 23rd until Dec 8th...is a million dollar question that I intend to refer to...in this posting under the head Transcendance with a wierd title which will be fully justified at the end of this musings.
Please refer to the title of the latest postings amongst the three above...Yes, it was under the heading "Making of Managers" which perhaps could give clue of the reason for going out of frequency in writing for such a long time. YES, I got relieved from the responsibilities from my earlier team and moved on to a project team in which the pre-requisites of skill sets as well as metrics of expectations were totally incompatible to me.
I was thru' and thru' a lover of expression and trigger by default. The new profile expected me to keep quite with a poker face and not many faces to look around except our small three member squad (unfortunately one of the two others around me is my boss). There were / are lot of instances where I am supposed to interact with senior management and constantly in touch with the management team which any one of my stature and age will cherish....not so easy and smooth for a person like me who love to be amongst young and enthusiastic minds which eagerly looked forward for all the psycological supports and recognitions that I lavishly was giving !!
Yes, being in a service Industry where customer is always seen as a king, I have a firm conviction that a new recruit to the team is my customer...>!! And I have experientially realized that if we do the right things in the first few weeks with a new comer, it impacts him in a huge manner and it is a great pleasure to watch him grow in confidence and spirit....and I was enjoying the interactions with my team members - both the shaky new recruits as well as the grateful senior members whom they become over a period of time. Please get me correct, I dont intend to picturize myself as a great philanthropist OR man who serves the masses but did all the experiments and cherished the experienced in my own personal interest. Yes, few aspects of such experimentation with people have a connection with few of my learnings at my YOGA school and there were occassions of me with moist eyes at office which I secretly wiped off without the person sitting next to me realized that I am getting abnormally touched by these experiences.
Now, coming back to the present assignment, I had to be over conscious and too limited in words and actions (you can guess the average size of my officially "personal" emails that I am used to.....though I do have a fan club for it.....and was constantly encouraged to give my thoughts) which was a big period of transformation to me. Few aspects of the new role needed some learnings too...which must be quite a normal process for any one who changes profile but the learning curve took slightly longer for me than the rest of "lesser mortals".....(yes, our ego never accepts that we are abnormal)
To add more misery, this profile change was also coupled with a geographical movement to a new location and I was honestly wondering if I got into something that could trouble every one around me....and if I am going to expose all of my negative qualities in ONE GO at the new profile and the new place....irritating every one around me.
Earlier I used to have bouts of depression about which you are quite well aware.....I conveniently moved to a spell of never ending depression spell that is tantamount to a suicide....though not in literal sense. Couple of training sessions that was assigned to me during this three months period....was simply spoilt by me with my poor performance due to my form with all my self confidence and timing sense getting completely evaporated....(of course the last of the training session, I took it as a personal goal...and did a decent job after cheering me up with few self imposed resurrection techniques.....). My yoga practises not just got dwindled but touched a all time low that I missed even the meditation session successively for 2 - 3 days...and at a point of time, I could see that the people who are immediately around me were too much impacted by the shabbiness of my normal day.....!!
Helplessly, I visited an astrologer whom I trust (I picked him up amongst the top three in the panel of astrologers of our family) who is a no-nonsense man and who does not speak with flattery or ambiguity just to know if the shadow looming large on me is going to come to an end. It did not take him much time for calculating and confirming that me too is affected by Guru's position.....(along with millions of others who were found involved in Guru peyarchi Homams on saturday). I never thought my pranks on (late) Guru periappa can land me into his fury for such a long time...and beleive me was patiently waiting for Dec 6th. Out of sheer helplessness I was checking up with the astrologer if I should consider quitting the job (you are smiling now !!) but he told just to stay calm for next 2 / 3 months...until the fateful day of Dec 6th....!! Yes, this date means many things to many people, but I was living the past three months with a single pointed focus to some how survive....!! Nothing really helped...no mood to make any postings, no eagerness to talk to any one and above all, I even lost my basic interest in my muulaadhaara chakra (meaning food and sleep)....Week ends were becoming a night mare and week days becoming a longing phase for week ends.....!!
Well, I am not sure how many around us believe in astrology, the fact is that I do believe. While my beloved Sadhguru says in this context that "plantery positions do have influence on human beings...but it is possible for us to transcend them by keeping ourselves in proper shape by living with lot of awareness", I do not want to analyze myself much more than the crude truth that "I have not kept myself in shape". This does not any way mean that my graceful Guru will spit at my face and also that I do not deserve to worship him.....!! It is just an area of improvement for me like my absent mindedness, fondness for coffee and few other things......BUT do not strip me off from my Isha moorings.....May be the biggest of all my disqualifications could be that I no more wear a label of Isha Volunteer but thats not too relevant in this context. (But let me also candidly admit that if only I had engaged myself positively at volunteering, the total damage to my system that I self inflicted could have been cut down substantially...... hmmmm......)
Now, how do I end this posting......with a positive note with an additional obligation of justifying the title above....??
At office, I am slowly settling down and my new boss is beginning to see few of my strengths and I just got my first appreciation mail last week on some thing. I am getting into flurry of initiatives as my another team member is likely to get relieved to an overseas assignment...and my boss is realizing that my coming to shape is extremely crucial in the future scenario....(More than him, its me.....). Further, I am beginning to do the right things at home front too and getting the mental acceptance of the family members (excepting the little monster) on my moving out to a new location......Yes......As Guru moves on to the next stage in my astra map, I am too getting ready for a change which seems to be a positive one considering the the trend of my mood graph and the situation at office.
On Dec 6th, while I was standing still at a community hall in the busy W.Mambalam road where some pious group was performing a Guru Homam for hapless creatures like me...(I just accidentally noticed it and went inside), I really found myself rejunevated once again.....and was imagining how much relevant and needed are such solaces built in by my great grand fathers.....!! With technically no problem at all, I was able to land myself into so much of miseries, how much of mental turmoil will the people around me who have real problems / challenges in life ...having....in their hearts ? I got bit emotional and got into a reverential mood .....looking at the fire which shone bright and brilliantly.....surrounded by hundreds of people there....!!
Let this flame of fire which burns up any thing and every thing kill the last of the remnants of my silly thoughts and emotions.....!! Let me never stand in front of it like a beggar but become one myself.....giving light to poor souls around me...!! it is as though I derived a new meaning to my mission statement which I drafted 4 = 5 years back, I stumbled upon a new coinage of words "shock absorber".... With the mission statement written by me with lot of intense feelings safely relegated to a paper, this new word I am sure - is going to bring back lot of life to me and my mission statement.
I wish to become a shock absorber and support people around me when they need pyschological and emotional support. This new flash of thought came to me as I stood there in that marriage hall on saturday at 11 Am in the morning as I was craving at my heart for those nameless lots of people who are NOT out of their miseries while I am much better off....!! May be I can't do much physically to every one around, but why dont I make a beginning in this direction......?
This also means that I keep my body and mind in proper shape and never allow the luxury of "inertness" in my life once again.....Mr.Guru, try to visit my astra map once again in a wrong square.....You will have it.....!!
Suchoo
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