Transcendance - 8 ::: Integrity "restored"

Dear

One important reason that had eroded my personal esteem is my inability to keep the commitments that I make to myself.....It would become such a long story full of pathos with very less successful episodes if I give an account of the number of occassions I had taken a goal & left the same in air... In fact at a point of time, I was scared to take any goals because I was so confident that I will not be able to keep it...

With special reference to getting up early in the morning, I have erred on this hundreds of time but the irony is that I never lost the craving to get up quite early (as early as 4 AM) and to my practises without any time pressure or curtailing the same....It is really a shame that I am neither able to live up to my standard nor have been compromising on my craving.....the result is that my self image / self esteem has eroded substantially.... & I infact I got immuned to any self improvement goals.... This is one reason why I create so much noise on "transcendance" or "moments of bliss" which may appear to others to be very trivial and so natural for any human being to do....

Now coming to this specific instance, I got up bit late as usual on last friday - perhaps by around 6 AM only and did not have enought time to cover my Breathing exercises full session.... I bruded for a second (it has become nano-second these days.....) & then decided quite impulsively that I will compensate this in the evening after reaching home from office...Normally I reach home only by around 9 PM and considering, most of the days, I am quite hungry, I have never ventured to do my practises in the evening until now....either in the morning or skip...had been my routine in my current shift timings...

It so happened by around 5 PM in the evening, Anoo called up and made an usual appeal that we can go to HSB for dinner...which I readily agreed though I had a small nagging at my heart... Honestly I did not want to upset her as for such a long period (more than a week, you know) we had never gone to hotel and my lapse cannot be a reason for her unhappiness.... But, as it turned out to be, there was some emergency situation at office by 6.30 PM and it got stretched till 10 PM....I literally forgot the commitment I gave & waiting Anoo...and I woke up to reality in a jerk only at 10 PM....Fully realising the consequences, I called her up and told that I am on the way to home and told her to eat something at home ... & I needed nothing....I could sense the fire in her breath...and without much words, I kept back the receiver without having the guts to face her fury...

On the way back to home, I told myself - this type of opportunity happens only quite rarely... & I decided to make use of this opportunity to keep up my promise to myself.... I reached home and with lot of pranks, made both the mother and daughter laugh....& made them sleep after listening to the inevitable sermons...then sat for my meditation and practises which stretched till exactly 12 oo midnight....

IT gave me an extra ordinary feeling to live up to my promise and... more importantly, I had developed a ripple of thought which I had during my pranayam session.... which these days have become a pattern for getting a new theme for my poems....After the session, I sat in front of computer fully fresh and charged to write it down but some thing happened and the computer wont get started ......

Quite unfazed, I pulled a scribble pad and wrote down my latest of latest poem at say 12.30 AM...midnight...which was titled "suzharchi".... The beauty of this poem is that, I never thought for any words .... or for word alignment.... I got a similar experience only 2 - 3 times earlier, like writing Nisaptham, Thagappan manasu & niruthiyam - I am just giving the list of my earlier poems...

The same will be posted shortly in the blog..... & to be very honest, it was one of the proud moment in which I "transcended" my own karma of breaking promises to myself & also a great moment of bliss of writing a poem spontaneously....!!

suchoo