Transcendance - 1

Hi

Today morning was another day of "inertness" for me.....The week end went of quite lazily and I was fearing that today its going to be the same old story which I have experienced quite often in the past.....

In fact on saturday, the whole day was available for me to type out my two poems (the adapter to Modem was faulty and the computer at home was not in action for more than two weeks) but I was in such a shabby mood that the poems conceived during my moments of "high" appeared to be a huge comedy when I looked at it in a depression spell.....I decided not to post them in the web.......as I found the duplicity of the statements of the poem.....!! Unable to stand with the stench of the gap between the words and what practically I was, I felt not to de-sanctify this blog with those words......!!

When I woke up today morning hearing the alarm clock which rang at 5 AM sharp, with the usual sense of fear to face the day, I pushed back the next wake up call at 6.30 AM (Now you understand why Madhoo is late for her 7.30 vehicle !!)....deciding to skip the pranayam practise (which takes a solid 1 hour for me)....When I woke up, I had decided to bunk (yes I mean it) the office which I have done quite a number of times in the past......! I did not tell this to Anoo (fearing an arguement) and after Madhoo left, I casually told it to her.....!!

She was actually preparing my lunch and it was so clear that she got so frustrated that her efforts are going waste more than my mental depression which put up my depression by few notches higher (how selfish ...isn't she ??) ....... Obviously she is fed up with my mood swings and I could clearly feel that I cant get any sympathy from her.....I could have avoided telling her trying to enter the home after she left for her school....but it would mean complicating things......!! There were couple of commitments at office which are dragging and needed an enthusiatic "me" reaching office and with my mood today morning - I was fearing to reach office.....!! Even on normal mood, mondays make my eyes red and I reach back home with head ache ...due to over-resting on sundays.....!! Today is not a day I am eager to see myself at office !!

With Anoo's "familiar" decibel level going high (she was even telling me that I needed a psychriatist advice immediately - which is some thing even I am wondering), I impulsively decided to go to office and face the office situation instead of hearing her "musical" voice & bruding about me and my moods for the whole day sitting at home.....!! within 8 minutes I was out of the home walking towards Railway station....skipping my breakfast and taking the lunch which was ready by then....I missed my usual bus and reached office at half hour late..On the way, at railway station, in the train and at the office bus at guindy, I had been closing my eyes not out of meditativeness but not interested to look at any thing around me.....!!

At the end of the day, I am not going to say it was a great day...and I got charged reaching office and started wondering why I left today in such a depressed state ...while it is also a truth that it was not an out and out "inert" day at office....I was able to cheer myself with some sense of artificialness during today , get started on a long pending work (not myself but just observed my team getting started) and think tomorrow will be much much better than today....I do have some real action plan on few sore points at office and things that I have been putting off due to some psychological blocks......!! (I think the next posting will be on a core block that I do have...its better I vomit it out in three dimension)

There had been fascinating days earlier to this at office where I had felt blissful and really worthy of being born....!! those of my days of "highs" where I oozed out my energy and confidence level on every one around me......!! On those days I was capable of inspiring the people who reach office depressed & had enthused people with low self image.....!! Still, on such days, there used to be a fear in the corner of the mind about the "averaging / balancing factor" that was nicely put forth by you....with some restlessness inside me not to dance too much.....!!

I would personally call TODAY as a day of trancendance that had happened to me during the whole of 2007 !! Because, if only I had not gathered the will to reach the office today, the evening could have become much more worse than the morning, leave alone tomorrow morning...the piled up mails tomorrow morning could make my situation bad to worse...there is a really good possibility that my unplanned absences could have irritated my boss with whom I share excellent rapport until now... & last but the most tragic of all.....there is a possibility that my team members could have taken me as a very wrong example by setting precendence of irresponsible attitude.....

When I walked back to home from Railway station, no doubt, my head was so heavy but eyes are red...but my mind is much better.....

suchoo